I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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