i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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