I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
