My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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