Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
