i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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