Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
