Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
