I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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