I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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