Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i black out too much to be "responsible"
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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