dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
