Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
