Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
