Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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