You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you told grandpa to call you daddy
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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