dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
