Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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