Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
