got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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