I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
