maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
