the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
