we made out on top of his cat.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
