i may or may not be watching the land before time
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Randomize
