She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
