I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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