I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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