Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
