So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
