Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
