Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
