nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
