dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
