I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
