I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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