I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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