omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
