Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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