when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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