two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
