all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
