so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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