What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
its liver damage thursday
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
