I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You are the jesus of drinking
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
