are you still at the devil's house?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
