You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
