the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
People in love make me want to vomit
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
