i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
