My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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