the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
