People with herpes should wear stickers.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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