you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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