Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
