I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
