I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
